James Lee Stanley

We had a house guest the other night.   Someone I’ve known for  years though we don’t have much contact anymore.   When I am in his state I always call him and we get together for a meal.    He  comes out here to California on occasion and frequently calls in advance to ask if it is okay to stay with us.   We always say yes.   And he frequently took us out for breakfast or dinner or something while he is here.

This time he called and asked if we could have dinner, then called back and asked if he could spend the night.   We said yes.

We expected him to arrive a little before dinnertime.    At 6 pm we got a call  from him, saying he was in Santa Barbara and was thinking of leaving there around 7, after traffic had died down, putting him here closer to 8:15 or so, if there was no traffic.    That would have put our dinner around 9 pm.

I told him we had already been waiting for him for an hour and that my wife had to get up early for her job and we were starving.   He said he’d leave as soon as he could.

He did arrive around 7 and we ate soon thereafter.   I had prepared a big meal, marinading the skirt steak for a full day.  It was terrific.  He even said so.  After dinner, he let my wife and I clean up while he sat there until I handed him something to carry into the kitchen.

The next morning he woke up and wanted to know when we were having breakfast.   After I get back from the gym, I told him.

After breakfast he stuck around for a perfunctory thirty minutes and then left.   It’s hard to explain, but this time I felt used; as if we weren’t really friends anymore but he wanted to stay in contact in case Backstage at The Resurrection or All Wood and Doors took off.  Nasty to say, I know, but that’s the way I felt.

So the lesson for today, is if you are going to stay with someone, let them know in advance and plan to spend some quality time with them.   And arrive with something, wine, flowers, dessert, …something.

And make it so that not only are your hosts not inconvenienced but they are enriched by your having been there.    Don’t leave a mess for them and clean up not only after yourself, but do the dishes, clear the table, act grateful, demonstrate your gratitude.

I stay with people all over the country and have for decades.   As far as I know, I’m always invited back and always welcomed when I show up.

Courtesy and gratitude go a long way towards relating to your hosts.    They are wonderful, generous folks and you must make certain that they know that they are appreciated.

Now I’ve got to go pack  as I have a 6:50 flight tomorrow morning.   Ouch!