James Lee Stanley

I have only lived in one apartment  building in my life.   It was a four unit Spanish adobe affair at 2266 North Beachwood Drive in Los Angeles.   And while I was there I learned a lot about living that can be applied to the artist’s experience.

One is to not buy into another person’s rage.   It sounds easy and somehow for me, there, it was.   Though I have found it very difficult since then, particularly if  my spouse is enraged.  I go right  there, which never helps.  

But I digress.  

I discovered the trick of not buying into another’s rage by the simple virtue of affection for and amusement of the landlord.

He was a crotchety, old reprobate with a temper and the habit of screeching in a high voice when he was upset.   “goldimmit”   was his favorite expletive and the way he said it just always made me laugh.

He had made his money in Saudi Arabia working for the oil companies and the desert had dried him out like beef jerky.

The first time I had a run in with him was shortly after I had moved into the apartment.   I was using his tools and work shed to repair something in the apartment and had to go through the garden gate which was attached to the fence which was attached to the corner of his house.

Unbeknownst to me, his bedroom was in that corner and he was taking a nap.  

Every single time I went through that gate I let it slam closed by virtue of the coiled spring he had attached to it.    I frequently had my hands full so this was not any petulance on my part, just necessity and probably unawareness.

I was in the kitchen when there was a knock at the back door.    I opened it to his onslaught, “goldimmit, you’ve to to stop slamming the gate over and over and goldimmit, I’m trying to take a nap and goldimmit…”

I looked at him and smiled and said that that seemed reasonable to me. 

His rage immediately evaporated and he talked to me in a calm voice and explained again that he was just trying to take an afternoon nap and that that was a habit of his from his days working in the hot desert.

I apologized for waking him and told him I was unaware of his afternoon naps and would in the future make allowances for them.

The point that I’m trying to make here is that by listening to him, smiling at him, and acknowledging his  grievance I completely took the wind out of his rage.

If I had responded with a big defense or an offense we would have gotten into something…when nothing was there.   His presentation may have sucked but his point was well taken.  

By not involving myself in his rage I could see what he was trying to say and I could understand it.

You can apply this to any tense situation.   Stop.  Listen to what the other person has to say.   Then formulate a response based upon what you want to have happen.

It’s the same old question I keep asking myself and telling you to ask yourself.  And it works every single time.  

We remained friends to the end of his life.