James Lee Stanley

As you know, I just returned from a little over three weeks in Europe.   It was a fantastic time and we arrived home late Saturday night after traveling for twenty four hours from the port of Venice to Paris to Los Angeles.    When we got  home we were friend and simply went to bed without doing any unpacking or  preparing for the morning.    Consequently, I thought that I would talk to you about preparing your home for a long trip and preparing for your morning after you have arrived home.

First of all, if you are living alone, or your entire family is going with you, check the fridge.   Everything that you can freeze, you freeze, that includes milk, juice, bread, butter…literally anything that you aren’t going to eat, that could go bad and that you can freeze.

Now what is left?   Probably veggies, salad stuff, and perishables, so have a veggie / salad feast.   Eat all of that stuff that is just going to turn into a chilly pet in the fridge while you are gone.

Okay, now what about the house itself.   Every door locked, every window locked and I always use a couple of those timers for the lights and the radio.    Making lights and appliances go on and off at a normal time can make the difference between getting ripped off and coming home to your safe harbor with no worries.

Regarding the things that are not on the timer, unplug them from the wall.   It can’t hurt and it could help if something goes wrong electrically…earthquake, lightning, power surge, flood…anything.

We have a cat to whom we are evidently enslaved and so we have someone that comes over several times a day to feed the Great Furry One and love him up a little.   That also discourages break ins (not the loving up—the visits) because they can’t tell when someone is going to be there or if anyone actually went away.

On line, you can stop your mail and the newspaper which you should most definitely do.   Nothing gives away your absence like two hundred unopened newspapers piled up in the driveway.

If you are so bucks up you have a gardener, make certain that his schedule goes on as usual, that way, there’s not a wheat field where your yard once was; another clue that you are not home. 

If you are like the rest of us and don’t have a gardener, hire or beg a neighbor to cut the grass while you are gone.   Offer them bribes or even one of your children …you can always make more.

Alert your close and trusted neighbors that you are going to be gone and for how long.   That way if  there is a party at your house, there’s a good chance that they will become suspicious and check it out.   Hopefully.  

If they are the ones who rip you off, then move to another neighborhood when you get back.

Speaking of getting back, when you get home, go to the freezer and take out the milk, juice and bread that you cleverly froze before you left.   Put it on a plate and let it defrost for the twenty six hours that you are going to sleep after international travel.  

That’s my idea of hell.   International travel on airlines that have been designed by dwarfs with no knees; custom officials who have not had sex since Eisnehower was president; lines that never move forward and luggage that is so heavy light will not escape from it.   A black hole with a handle.

But I digress.    If  you take that stuff out of the freezer, then in the morning when you rise, you will not have to get dressed and go to the store and buy stuff that you already have.   You can just make that coffee, have that juice, ease back into your routine or  the salt mine, as my bride so picturesquely puts it.

Okay, I’m back.   Look for Monday, Wednesday and Friday posts til the holidays.

Happy Columbus Day