Sanctus Real

This is email 5 of 6 between Sammy and I in a discussion about love, marriage, and divorce within the church. We posted this dialogue on his blog about a month ago. I was so encouraged by the entire experience…the comments we received and general nature of the conversation…that I wanted to re-post it here in case anyone missed it. Thank you for reading.

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Hi again,

So these last few days, I’ve been trying to pinpoint the things I now look at differently when it comes to finding a spouse.

There are plenty of great, godly resources out there on the subject, so I’ll leave the advice giving to the experts and only share about 3 areas in which I learned some powerful lessons.

These are things I didn’t realize the weight or impact until after I was married…

It’s also worth mentioning that with everything I say, I still fully embrace the initial in-love feeling with a healthy, godly joy…of course ;) In keeping with 1 Corinthians 10:31, I believe this attitude brings glory and praise to God.

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for God’s glory.” 1 Corinthians 10:31

1. Communication & Identity –
I’m not just talking about the ability to maneuver through an argument. I’m talking more about the ability of a spouse to communicate his/her true self to their partner.

If you’re solid in your identity, you’re able to communicate who you are, how you feel, and what you need.

I believe this is crucial in a solid relationship, because a person who doesn’t know him/herself cannot possibly teach a partner how to love them…and if you’re looking at marriage, you must be able to teach your partner how to love you.

Things will break down quickly if communication isn’t solid and frequent. No one can be a better teacher in this department than you! Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages is an excellent resource for this topic.

2. Beliefs –
Religious beliefs are obviously important, but this runs much deeper than just fighting about which church to attend.

If you don’t share similar beliefs regarding faith, it will be impossible to relate to and understand each others passions and identity on most levels. This creates a tragic barrier in all areas of intimacy. A marriage without intimacy is something to mourn.

Along with religious beliefs, I might throw in some social beliefs as well. These may not be quite as essential, but I still believe they are important.

Do you agree on topics like war or the environment or abortion or homosexuality? What about drinking or smoking or tattoos or spiritual gifts? What are the reasons behind these beliefs? Generally the “why” behind a belief reveals more about a person than the belief itself. You just might see whether the disagreement is fundamental or merely taste.

3. Background –
My experiences in the last 5 years have persuaded me that upbringing and background play a huge role in shaping our worldviews…much more than I ever realized in the past.

Although some upbringings lead us to see marriage as a lifelong commitment where love and diligence reap a wonderful, satisfying reward, there are other upbringings that never see true love or diligence in action. They likely have good intentions but may have never learned the value of perseverance. This is most certainly not always the case, but it is a good thing to pay attention to.

My point here is this; we all have different backgrounds, which shape how we see the world. In finding a spouse, it’s good to find a person who sees marriage with the same committal perspective. This sounds like a no-brainer, but these things don’t always reveal themselves right away. For me, they didn’t until it was too late.

As a possible #4,
I want to mention the importance of the opinions of friends and family…the people who know you, love you, and want the best for you. Do not discount their opinions. They can see with a clear head what us in-love schlups can’t.

I could go on and on with this, but again, I am already feeling long winded. This is a very cursory glance of some of the things I’ve learned that might be different than what is usually talked about.

Perhaps we can discuss more as a group and open discussion up to any other thoughts people might have. By no means do I feel like an authority on the subject, and I’d love to hear what anyone has to say.

Questions:

How do you feel about the significance of these 4 areas? What order of importance would you put these in?
What other areas would you add in this list?