Sanctus Real

This is part 2 of an email conversation between Sammy Adebiyi and I where we discuss love, marriage, and divorce within the Christian community. Check it out…

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Hey Sammy,

I’m almost over my Grammy hangover. Hang on…

Aaaaaaannnnd…

Cool. I’m good now. I was out partying with CeeLo’s Muppet band, drank too much Kool-Aid, ate too many cupcakes, and fell asleep in the bathtub. The Bieber ninjas showed up. They were rad…showed me nunchuck moves. It was one wild night. I didn’t get to bed until midnight!…

Yes. Midnight.

Anyway, while I was lying in bed, recovering from my sugar coma, I had the chance to read your blog posts and many of the comments.

It was inspiring to see people with so many different backgrounds and beliefs deliberate this topic as openly and respectfully as they did. It was very encouraging.

[To address what anyone reading might not know about me, I’m the bass player for the Christian pop/rock band, Sanctus Real. We sing songs like, “Lead Me” and “Don’t Give Up”, which challenge men to be strong, committed husbands and fathers. We also sing songs like “I’m Not Alright” and “Forgiven”, which address our nature as broken people living in a broken world and the grace that God has extended to us through his Son, Jesus]

As for my personal background, I grew up in a non-denominational, charasmatic church. I loved it.

In high school, I was the guy who went to all the youth conferences, went on all the mission trips, smashed my “secular” cds, and even kissed dating goodbye…that is, until a girl I liked actually liked me back. After graduating college with a music technology degree in 2004, I moved to Nashville to pursue a career in Christian music. I joined Sanctus Real in 2005.

Then, in the beginning of 2006, after 2 years of friendship and dating a girl I worked with at Starbucks, we got married.

However, our lifetime vows of commitment barely made it three years. We were divorced the day after my 27th birthday.

Tragically, this is becoming a common lifespan of marriage in our culture. What followed was a very difficult season in my life with many serious questions. Questions, that if my faith were to remain intact, I desperately needed answers to.

Like you said, I was a Christian (Sorry, I meant a “Grammy nominated Christian artist”). None of this made sense. I began to analyze the steps I had taken. I followed God down one path, and He led me to Sanctus Real, a rare and wonderful gift of a career that I know I’m called to.

Then, with the same character of heart, I followed the path to being a husband, which in turn led to a scenario where divorce was biblically acceptable and despite my best efforts, ultimately the result.

I was genuinely bewildered.

How in the world did such a normal, Christian guy like me end up in such a contrasting, disputable situation as this?

Keep in mind I was still in the Sanctus Real. I was on stage every night, singing background vocals, “Don’t give up on love! Love! Love!” 

I believed in these words wholeheartedly, but in order to continue singing them in truth, I needed understanding.

That was two years ago, and the journey has been difficult and emotional. But it has also been honest and rewarding. Fortunately God, who hung the universe like we hang window curtains, is infinitely less frightened to answer these soul-searching questions than we are to ask them. We must only be willing to receive His answers in whatever fashion and timing He chooses to give them, which is for our own good anyway because He loves us.

To be brief, I can state two things with certainty.

1. Divorce is the horrible death of something that is not meant to die. It truly is. And it feels that way.
Don’t take marriage vows casually. Divorce is not a simple get-out-of-jail-free card, no matter what the reason for it is. It’s painful, and it leaves a scar.

2. Despite #1, or more likely the result of it, my relationship with Christ, my understanding of his nature, as well as my understanding, appreciation, and sheer excitement for love and marriage has grown infinitely deeper.
My life in Christ has become more enriched. I believe this is the irony of God as the Redeemer…joy and delight in Him as the result of pain and struggle.

I could go on and on, but I feel like I’ve already written too much for one email. I’d love to continue emailing and to answer any types of questions you might have. If you would like to read about my divorce in a little more detail, you can read a post on my blog HERE.

Also I don’t want to sound as though I’ve been irreparably hurt or wounded in this battlefield called love.

Marriage is truly a wonderful gift. I believe it can be (and is likely meant to be if we’re called to it) the most fulfilling part of our lives on earth.

I believe it’s meant to be euphoric and exhilarating, and I believe it is meant to be painful and impossibly challenging. Through it, we’re stretched and pruned and awarded a tiny glimpse at the nature of God and His relationship with us.

Worth it.

Alright, I have to go dance-fight Usher. I’ll catch you later.

Dan

…sorry…

Signed,
Grammy nominated artist who was in the same room as Usher, Justin Bieber, and Eminem.
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Questions:

Has life ever led you to a situation that seems contradictory to your beliefs? How did you respond?

How have you experienced God, good or bad, through your experience with divorce [as a child or spouse]?

Also, what stood out to you from Dans story? Any other thoughts? Stories of divorce? Questions for dan? We’d love to hear from you.